How Sobriety Pays Off

I  went surfing this weekend for the first time in several months. I only got a few waves, but I got out of the water feeling more like myself, and on Monday, I woke up with a resurfaced memory that reminds me of how courage makes me feel alive.

Back in my mid-20’s, I went on a surf trip to Mexico with my then-boyfriend, who later became my first husband. Our budget level was public transportation, so after getting off the plane in Puerto Vallarta, we loaded our boards on a bus headed south. The following day, as the full bus lumbered along the two-lane highway, we kept a watch out the window so we could alert the driver when we wanted him to drop us off. ¡Aqui por favor! we rehearsed while keeping a lookout for the landmarks on our photocopied notes. We finally disembarked onto a dusty little road, a hand-painted sign pointing off past the brush into the distance. 

I was practically trembling as I stood there, watching the rear of the bus get smaller as it rumbled away. We’d never been here before, and didn’t know exactly what was in store for us down that road. But we had a month-long reservation, and hope.  

I’ll never forget the moment we finally stepped off the road, into a clearing with the ocean in clear view. The waves were coming in, one right after another. There were a dozen surfers out, riding up and down the blue faces. My excitement level jumped to 11 as we hurriedly found someone to show us the shack where we’d be staying to dump our bags, and paddled out. I grew up in Wyoming, and learned to surf in the cold waters of Oregon where we wear thick wetsuits, so when a woman in a freakin’ bikini caught a wave next to me, I felt like my chest would burst with awe that this was happening. Even though I got thrashed around in the steep, overhead waves that day,  I had the time of my life. 

You’ve been through a version of this when you said, “I want to get off here,” and freed yourself from alcohol.

You’ve got your backpack and your surfboard, and now you want to know– where’s the beach? 

The beach is where, at first sight of the ocean, you unconsciously take the deepest, freshest breath you have in days. While taking in the line of the horizon, your eyes are drawn to the glowing white pelicans soaring in perfect V formation, and they’re more beautiful than you would have thought. You feel freedom and the real sense of possibility. 

Now, not everyone who gets off the bus makes it to the beach. 

Let me explain. 

Personally, one of the things I had to overcome to even make a real commitment to sobriety was a belief that sobriety was boring. I thought my alcohol and weed use were an integral part of my fun-loving personality. Maybe you can relate, because we’ve all seen the same beer commercials. 

So the only way I could get all the parts of my personality in agreement was to decide that I was going to make sobriety even better than drinking, including making it fun. 

Now what doesn’t seem to work, I think comes down to believing that what you did while you were drinking was the only way to have fun. Here in Portland, there are some giant billboards that remind us all that drinking White Claw is the way to adventure. 

So when you quit drinking, you don’t have hangovers anymore! You can be the designated driver on girls night out! You don’t feel like hiding the number of wine bottles in the recycling! 

But at the same time, you don’t want TOO much to change. Therefore, you keep trying to live the same life you were before— same routine, except this time without booze.

Meanwhile, if you haven’t noticed, this culture is a glittering maze of ways to keep you hooked. This means that while you are no longer drinking, there are plenty of other ways to numb or distract yourself–things scientifically engineered like social media, online shopping, and packaged food. There’s also overworking, overvolunteering, and overexercising. Your soul sees the opening that sobriety created, and is trying to pull you forward– Don’t stop here, “But wait, there’s more! “ But all those hooks got in you, stopping you right as you crossed the threshold of sobriety, busying yourself by trying to be okay with the status quo. 

The first group event I ever offered for sober women when I was 18 months sober was a facilitated vision board workshop, because this is what I already knew: While some experience of boredom is good for our mental health and essential to creative flow, if sober was going to be boring, I knew I wouldn’t last long. 

I needed to go all in, and embrace the adventure that happens when you use sobriety as a slingshot of momentum. 

That’s why, since 2018, I’ve done countless things that scared the shit out of me. Everything from revealing past harm I’d done to loved ones,  accepting an invitation to speak on a panel for Women in Tech on financial health, and going live on Instagram to share my vision. Every time I stepped to the edge of my comfort zone, I learned what new capacity I needed to work on so I could go a bit further. 

How do you access the real payoff of sobriety? The depth of self-knowledge. Calm strength. An expanded capacity for true joy. 

LIke anything that truly matters, there isn’t a button that you can push. Thank goodness life isn’t like a vending machine. As you’ve learned over the years, working for something that truly matters is enjoyable. Learning is fun. The act of discovery is awesome. 

You can start by simply acknowledging that the exact same life, except without booze is… not that exciting. That’s because you’ve gotten off the bus, but you’re still standing on the edge of the highway. To get to the good stuff, you have to be willing to take steps into the unknown. 

What is the unknown? This is where it gets interesting, because not only is it different for everyone, but it isn’t just what you do, it’s the meaning behind it that makes it either the side of the highway or the beach. 

Let’s take the gym, for example. 

If I joined the 24-Hour Fitness down the street and started lifting weights, that would be a positive thing in my life, but potentially not significant. I‘ve done that before, it isn’t new. That would be the side of the highway for me. 

But, for the last couple of years, I’ve been working on my vision of physical fitness that includes social connection, and I’ve done three things that were on the edge of my comfort zone. 

First, I participated in my first running group — it was started by a sober, James Beard chef, and I did it for a year, until I started having problems with my back and had to quit.

Next, I joined a yoga studio for the first time, so nervous I almost cried when I first walked in, but a year later was more flexible than I thought possible. 

Most recently, I have found a source of power and strength in one of the most fun gym experiences I’ve ever had. It started with a flyer on the door for a local, family-owned gym just a 10-minute bike ride away. Feeling weak, flabby, and insecure, as I approached the front door, I heard someone call my name. It was Sophie, a former colleague and work friend, who had always delighted me with her quick wit. Being able to work out with her felt like the Universe holding up that hand-drawn sign: This is the way. Now I’m doing something I never could have imagined, authentically excited to go to challenging gym classes at 6 am three days a week. 

And unexpected bonus: I hadn’t been surfing because I felt like I wasn’t in good enough shape to do it. But last Friday, I realized I was ready!

The opportunities ARE the challenges, and the challenges are the opportunities. That’s the payoff of sobriety. When I get clear about what I want, and I’m willing to do things that scare me a little, I find the beach.